The Glade commercials
You know what really bothers me while I’m trying to watch TV?
Those motherfucking Glade commercials. They are not as bad as the Charmin ones, but they are bad news.
Remember this bullshit? It was so god damn corny that it made me NEVER want to buy those Glade candles because then all of my friends would think I was a fucking liar like this ho there.
Then they came out with this one:
Okay, this woman is one lazy bitch. Not only does she lie to her friends, but she lies to her family. And this is her own god damn house. Why would you neglect it like that by just spraying a fresh scent over it? Dog shit is still going to be dog shit even if you spray an air freshner on it. She is exacerbating the situation if anything! Think of all those germs!
She didn’t learn her lesson from the first time?! And why are people still friends with her? I know the African American one is thinking, “Oh god, this bitch is unsanitary! I am never coming to her house again!” because she doesn’t show up in the next commercial.
Okay, now hold onto something for the next one I am about to show you. If you’re not already sitting down I think you might need to because this one will murder you:
I am speechless.
Now she’s a murderer? I hope this is the end of these fucking Glade commercials. How do the people at SC Johnson & Son sleep at night?
And this isn’t even the worst part! There’s another commercial—an EXTENDED cut! I can’t fucking find it on the interwebs, but let me describe it for you:
So it’s the same commercial: Lying Ho lights up a candle, sniffs it, opens up a package of gingerbread cookies and pours it out on a plate. Friends come in and she tosses the packaging just in time as they delight in the fact that it smells like she just baked some cookies. The lady agrees, but the cookie jumps off from the plate and reveals that she is a lying ho. Before he can finish she bites off his fucking head. The friends give her an uncomfortable look, and she tells them she will BRB. Some spokesperson narrates how the candle “works” and it cuts back to the lady in this room with a computer. She tells us about this rebate/coupon that we can download from the Internet so we can buy those god damn candles. She walks back into her kitchen and then offers her friends a plate of gingerbread men cookies…WITH ALL OF THEIR HEADS BITTEN OFF.
OH MY FUCKING GOD.
This is so traumatizing. Why would I ever download that coupon?! I have no desire to buy these candles because the candles represent DECEPTION and PROCRASTINATION. “Buy our candles to fool your friends and family into thinking that you actually keep a clean house when in fact your house smells like shit because you’re too lazy to do some actual cleaning.” And now include MURDER. If I buy these candles I will condone MURDER as an acceptable solution to avoid being called out as a liar which was a result of me being a lazy incompetent liar who can’t bake cookies or pies or clean my house.
